A Few Trailers

Now this looks very interesting: The Prestige

The similarly themed yet entirely different: The Illusionist

The hopefully thought provoking and not simply confusing: The Fountain

I can't believe they're back! - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I didn't like his Ali G film but this looks hilarious: Borat

Underworld Evolution - Huh?

"There has been a war raging between the [insert name] and the [insert name] for over [insert number] years and now the blah, blah, blah, bullcrap, bullcrap, bullcrap..."

F*ck off with these plots assh*les, it has been done to death. Just make it stop, make it stop... Make it stop!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is one of the most painfully bad films I've had the displeasure of watching in recent memory (and I just watched Seagal's latest so that's saying something!), the performances drift between utterly wooden to overtly camp; the script is bogged down by an overly complex history - which is not interesting anyway- and scene after scene of painful exposition is required just to try and explain all this crap that we don't care about anyway because the heroes are such dorks.

Some people might mistake all this complicated backstory as complex, therefore intelligent... wrong! This film is NOT intelligent, intelligent films make sense. The complex backstories of each character and the general history of the feud between Vampire and Werewolf is needlessly complicated, and seeing as I don't care about the charmless protagonists why am I going to bother listening to all this sort of dribble: "So you're a werewolf vampire mix, I'm a vampire and he's the father of both a vampire and a werewolf, so therefore if I drink his blood and have sex with you I will become... um, something else and then I can defeat that big bat guy... right?" I mean really, what the f*ck is all this crap and why am I meant to care?

Occasionally the sleep inducing talking scenes are interrupted by a burst of stylish action, but it's not enough to save this turkey.

God help us if this guy really ends up directing Die Hard 4.

3/10

Rocky Balboa Trailer!

F*ck Yeah!

(Click pic to enlarge)

A trailer hasn't made me feel this good in years. Personally I can't wait to see Stallone back on the big screen after languishing in direct-to-video hell for the past decade. He deserves better, he's a great actor in my books, and a solid writer and director to boot. I have full confidence that this is the comeback that the fans want. Though I'm still not too sure about Rambo 4; that's a whole other kettle of fish (not that I know exactly what a kettle of fish is).

Do yourself a favour and check out this brilliant trailer in yummy quicktime or crusty windows media.

And remember: It ain't over till it's over.

Seagal: Fire Down Below (1997) - Film Review

TAGLINE:

'Beneath a land of wealth and beauty hides a secret that could kill millions. Undercover has never run so deep.'

INTRO:

As some of you out there may know, there is a special sect of humans called Seagalogists... I am one of them. We follow the works of a remarkable man, the one and only Mr Steven Seagal. Allow me to list a few of his incredible achievements:

Battled the Yakuza over the rights to run an Aikido Dojo in Japan (though his ex-wife claims he just "shouted at some drunk guys").

Broke Sean Connery's wrist while helping with stunts on Never Say Never Again.

Has his own Energy Drink called Lightning Bolt!

Is a reincarnated Buddhist Lama... of course.

Wastes the stuntmen on his films for real.

Collects swords and telephones.

Can play a guitar almost as well as he can hurt people.

For further proof of Seagal's genius, check out this comprehensive overview at Wikipedia.

PLOT:

In the opening credits montage we learn that Jack Taggart (Seagal) has lost a friend because some asshole dropped nasty toxic waste barrels on his head, ingeniously we know this dude is Seagal's really good friend because Seagal says to him "I really value your friendship". So Seagal heads down to Hillbilly hell to figure out what happened to his mate, fix some porches, and beat up guys in bad shirts.

REVIEW:

*Contains some Spoilers*

Out For Justice is Seagal's best film, Undersiege is his most popular and Fire Down Below is... well, neither his best film nor his most popular, it's the one where he plays guitar and wears a large jacket with tassels... but he kicks a lot of arse too, so it's all good.

All kidding aside, I had a blast with this film. I'd seen it years ago and dismissed it as dull, but on repeat viewing it has really grown on me. Sure it's a bit slow, but the setting is unique, the plot is actually fairly good (for its type of film) and the action is brutal. In fact I'd go as far as to say I'd rate it as his second best film after Out For Justice and I think you should ignore its severely low rating at IMDB (4.1/10) and just watch it with an open mind (and a joint and 6-pack).

Seagal's friend was confused. The arm around the shoulder was nice, but the gun sent a conflicting message...

One thing that Fire Down Below really brought to my attention is that Seagal never -and I mean never- gets hurt by anyone. I can't confirm that he has never been hit a single time by any opponent in the history of his films, but as I scan through scenes in my head I can't specifically remember an instance of him ever being hurt. Seagal tends to focus on dishing out the pain and he excels at it. We have everything you could ever want here, including: Metal pipes smashed into faces and balls; broken wrists; broken faces and... well you get the idea. But of course, along with smashing metal pipes into balls we also get an 'Environmental Message' which is something like "don't pollute nature"... but even this positive message isn't sufficient, Seagal goes a further step and adds a message about molestation: "Hillbilly's shouldn't feel up their little sister or they might end up being shot in the chest and then being covered in toxic waste". As if that wasn't enough, there's another couple of messages, one about the effects of poor parenting and another about... oh, who cares? You just watch these for the action anyway, right?

Action wise things are pretty solid. There are several duels which boil down to Seagal vs four or five overconfident idiots, whom he promptly mops up. The fights are very short and brutal; not quite up there with Out For Justice, but in Seagal's defence he is a bit older in this and doesn't seem as fast as he used to be (in fact there are a few speed-up shots which I didn't like). The main problem action wise is that he doesn't face a single dude who poses any sort of challenge, which means there is zero suspense in the action scenes because you just know Seagal is going to triumph in mere seconds... but this is also what defines Seagal as an action hero and makes him unique, so I'm down with it. It's fun to look at where the dumbasses are standing and see if you can guess the order Seagal is going to take them out in, hey maybe you can turn it into a drinking game, I know I did!

Seagal enjoyed holding hands with cops and going for a nice walk, but then when they least expected it, he'd break their wrists and shoot them.

There is a love interest in the film which feels a little tacked on, but there was something quite bizarre about it also: Seagal shamelessly uses her as a tool for information, which doesn't seem like a very noble thing to do really. Sure, he makes it up to her slightly by fixing her steps and buying all her honey (don't ask), but it still raises some serious questions about his respect for her. However, he does kill her unpleasant brother so I guess it all works out in the end: "You killed my brother... God I love you".

CLOSING THOUGHTS:

Fire Down Below is a bit slow at times, but it's well made and quite different to the usual action fare of the 90's. Seagal may come across as a smug, egotistical wanker (which totally works for the character!), but you can't deny his commanding physical presence and this film really plays to those strengths. I always enjoyed seeing him trade amusing quips with the Hillbilly scum before smashing their faces in, and I think you will too.

7/10