PIRATES! - Ahoy me mateys...

Sid Meier's Pirates! is a bloody brilliant game, and this is coming from a guy who has never, and I mean NEVER enjoyed a strategy game in over 15 years of avid gaming. Popular strategy games have come and gone: Sim-City, Civilization, Warcraft, C&C etc... I tried (or watched others play) them all and nothing ever clicked. For me, gaming has always been about visceral thrills - I want to feel like I am in the shoes of the protagonist, so as a result I've always been more inclined to play First-Person-Shooters and adventure games. The thing that always turned me off about strategy games was the whole "looking down upon the world at all the little iddy-biddy people doing stuff", it always looked like resource management and seemed about as thrilling as filling out a tax return.

"I'll skewer you like a shish-kebab."

All this to say, prior to Pirates! I was not a strategy fan, and while Pirates! may not be a strategy game in the truest sense (it is more like a series of mini-games strung together in a strategy facade), it is basically the first of its kind that I've ever enjoyed and as such my opinion of it may be quite different to that of an experienced strategy buff.

My affection for Pirates was formed by Monkey Island (a classic Amiga adventure game) and in a way Pirates! is the ultimate companion piece to the adventures of Guybrush Threepwood - hell, the main character looks almost identical! So for those missing the charm of Monkey Island, I belive you will find Pirates! a comforting substitute.

"How appropriate, you fight like a cow."

For the uninformed, the game consists of: Naming your Pirate. Choosing his skills (fencing or navigation for example) and his nationality (French, Spanish, Dutch or English) and setting out under the basic premise of finding your lost relatives. However it is totally open ended and up to you how you want to "live the life" of a Pirate. You could focus on treasure hunting, pirate hunting, trading, raiding towns, romance, discovering lost cities or finding your relatives, most likely, you will do a little of each. The point is it's up to you and it's all damn fun!

The big thing that makes me more interested in this than I ever was in older strategy games is that games look really pretty now, and Pirates! looks particularly gorgeous. The level of detail is commendable and everything has a very clean and assured look. This is a game made by people who knew exactly what they were aiming for and achieved it.

After eight bottles of rum the Captain forgot that his ship was absolutely tiny.

Gameplay wise this couldn't be more approachable. Pirates! really is a "pick up and play" game. Considering I have never spent more than an hour playing a strategy game, I was surprised to find myself comfortable within 30 mins of playing. You can practically play without ever lifting your fingers off the numeric keypad, it's that easy!

So if you've always been intimidated by the complexity of strategy games or simply thought they seem dull, give Pirates! a go. It's well worth it. Especially older gamers like myself who miss the company of Guybrush and LeChuck... you will not be disappointed. However, even the experienced strategy gamer couldn't deny the quality and charm of Pirates!

Warning: You will lose sleep.

Firewall - Ray's Review

Click here for more details on cast/crew etc...


Official Plot Synopsis:

"Jack Stanfield (Harrison Ford) is an average family man in Seattle who heads up the hi-tech security team at his local bank. But following a seemingly trivial case of identity theft, Jack's life is turned upside-down when he discovers that his wife (Virginia Madsen) and two kids have been kidnapped. The ransom? A mere $100 million, which the kidnappers, led by Bill Cox (Paul Bettany), want Jack to obtain for them via his expert computer skills. Initially compliant, Jack is soon irked by Cox and his cronies to the point where he decides to get his family back and bring the bad guys to justice."

My Opinion:

I'm not going to spend too much time analyzing this film, because frankly, Firewall isn't very good. It's one of those movies where you have a strange sense of Déjà Vu for it's entire running time, in other words: You've seen it all before and you've seen it done better.

Harrison Ford can play these characters in his sleep and that was the case here. Using modern technology they actually painted CGI eyes onto Harrison's closed eyelids and used a special rig to move his sleeping body around and control his flailing limbs... the effect is quite impressive, though they should have remembered to fix up his "morning hair", as he looked a bit scruffy.

Maybe it's because I actually have a basic understanding of computers that I am put off by these "techno thillers". In its defense it wasn't as utterly ridiculous as other films concerning technology (such as Swordfish, where Hugh Jackman seems to require eight monitors as he "hacks" - which involves randomly bashing keys and flying down cyber tunnels as green cubes rotate and code flickers about... I mean really, what the f**k?). At least when Harrison's character stops a hacker he uses a realistic command prompt, however, I'm not sure that I've ever heard of using a "black hole" to circumvent a network attack.

When Firewall isn't about dumb computer stuff, it is about dumb family stuff... another dull and unrealistic topic in Hollywood films: Painfully cute young boy with easy to trigger allergy - Check. Rebellious daughter who ultimately connects again with her parents - Check. Family dog called Rusty introduced early in film so that he can later be used as a plot device - Check. Bland yet attractive and intelligent Wife with just enough screen time to make us care about her slightly - Check. I could go on but I think I've made my point.

This is not a film worth seeing. While it doesn't signpost every plot-twist, it simply feels predictable, which isn't helped by it's generic look and bland acting. Also, I haven't seen this many rain machines on Harrison since Bladerunner, however, it's all to no avail, as Firewall has about as much atmosphere as generic "thrillers" like Chain Reaction, The Net and The Client (I'm surprised I even remember those dull films).

Harrison and Bettany's acting skills are utterly wasted in this dribble, they are given very few strong character moments and are left with little to do except what the script requires of them: Harrison - Good guy. Bettany - Bad Guy.

If you are a huge Harrison Ford fan and need a fix of his average-Joe-in-jeopardy type character (like in The Fugitive) then this may be worth a rental, but DO NOT go out of your way to see this at you local cinema like I did. It was a mistake and also a reminder of why cinemas don't make as much money as they used to.

WARNING: Unrelated rant ahead:

I purchased my expensive movie ticket from an annoying worker who asked "would I like an ice-cream or sweets?" to which I felt like saying "If I wanted them wouldn't I have asked you you f***ing mongoloid?", but instead I said "No thanks", being the polite chap that I am. Then I proceeded into the theatre, which was pitch black, even though the film said it started at 10am and it was 10.10am. So I trundled back out and found the single attendant (who sold the tickets, ran the candy bar and seemingly managed the entire six-theatre complex) and she said "I'll see what I can do". So I go back into the theatre - which I can now at least see in - and find a seat (which isn't difficult seeing as I'm the only person there). Finally at 10.14 the screen lights up and I am relieved to discover it's a trailer and not ads. But then the trailer ends - a trailer I've seen three of four weeks ago online - and I am bombarded by loud ads for five minutes. Finally at about 10.22 the film starts and I watch in horror as the awful print is projected onto the vast screen, hairs and speckles are constantly flickering everywhere and the sound is too quiet... I sit there and dream about my home cinema and wish I was there, instead of in this smelly empty theatre, watching a limp and predictable bore-fest.

4/10

Rocky Teaser Hits!

Yo Adrian...

The very cool and quite minimalist teaser for Rocky VI [aka Rocky Balboa] has arrived, and it is a thing of beauty. Go Sly!


Check it out now:

It may be an experimental teaser, so who knows how long it will stay online? Also the release date appears to have been pushed to December 2006... awesome!